Surrogacy Take 3!

Just a few moths after having the twins, I felt like I should do surrogacy again. I thought since I wasn't getting any younger, if I was going to do it again, I should do it quickly. I talked to Brandon and the kids and they were all on board.

The last surrogacy experience was truly amazing. We had to talk to the kids and explain that this time might not end the same as last time. Our previous couple is now apart of our extended family and we couldn't expect to have that kind of luck again.

We had most of the paperwork already done since our last surrogacy journey was so recent. This sped up the process and we got matched very quickly. In March of 2013 we were matched and had plans to do transfer in May. 

Once the match is made, the not so fun stuff starts. You start going to the doc weekly. You have ultrasounds before you are even pregnant to make sure your lining is thinning and thickening like its supposed to. Then they add in the blood draws and medication. There is usually a combination of the following medications:

Prenatal vitamins

Estrodial

Lupron(shot)

Progesterone & Olive Oil (shot)

Progesterone suppositories

Brandon & I traveled to Connecticut and had the transfer May 25th 2013. After transfer, you have to wait two weeks for the blood test. This is the LONGEST two weeks ever. I go in, in the mornings and get my blood work but don't get results till the early evening. When the phone call came I could tell by the tone of her voice it wasn't good news. I honestly wasn't prepared. I get pregnant and got pregnant so easy the last time. I felt so bad and wondered what I had done wrong.

At the end of June went to Sweden to go visit our 2nd IPS and the twins. During this trip we had the opportunity to spend some time with our current IPS. We had a great time and it helped me be even more excited for the next transfer.

During the 2nd transfer I suggested we use the same medications in the same doses we had when I got pregnant with the twins. This made me feel more confident since I new it had worked so well. August 16th I went for the 2nd transfer. My mom traveled with me this time.

Again was the Long two week wait. The results were in and I was pregnant. Of course I was... It didn't even phase me. I was over the moon excited to tell my IPS.

I started bleeding a few days before the six week ultrasound and was in pain. I went to the doctor and they said I had a urinary track infection. They told me not to worry. I went in for the ultrasound and couldn't wait to be reassured everything was okay. They couldn't hear the heartbeat but thought there was one. They wanted me to come back in a week for blood work. When I went in my levels were still high so they scheduled an ultrasound for a few days later. They couldn't find a heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing. I was devastated and confused. I had gotten my IPS hopes up and then let them down. I didn't know what to say or do for them.

After a couple weeks I went back to the doctor and they said I would need a D&C. I went to my OBGYN a few days later and she said all was fine and she didn't think I needed a D&C. A couple weeks later I went back to my surrogacy doc and he insisted I still needed a D&C.  Needless to say I ended up with a D&C in Oct.  I was terrified. I had never had a surgery, besides my less than pleasant C-Section and I had never been put under. 

January 17th 2014 I went for the 3rd transfer.. 

I knew this one had to work. I had only agreed to attempt three transfers. While waiting for the two weeks to pass, I didn't feel myself getting excited I was very nervous and started having doubts. Even though I thought I didn't get too excited, I felt devastated when the results came in that I wasn't pregnant. How could I tell them that I wasn't pregnant???

A few weeks had gone by and me and my IPS had sent a few messages checking on each other. Finally, I reached out to them and let them know I was willing to continue this Journey with them if they wanted me to, but if they didn't I completely understood. We decided that we all felt like we should continue this process together.

In July Tabitha and I traveled for the 4th transfer. I felt confident that things would work this time. By the time the two weeks had past I was nervous and didn't feel like I was pregnant. I was hoping and praying and felt like it had to work. The results were in and I wasn't pregnant. How could this be. I was very angry. I wondered why God was not letting this couple have a baby. They kept having disappointment after disappointment. I struggled with what I was doing wrong to make so these transfers weren't working. 

Only my parents and a couple close friends knew that I was doing this and I was at this point trying to hide it from them. I didn't want them asking me if I was pregnant. I was having a hard enough time dealing with it and wanted as few people to know as possible, 

This is the point I started to slightly understand the struggles and emotions people with infertility go through. This wasn't even my baby and I didn't know if I could stay on the roller coaster ride. Besides the emotions the medications were going to make my husbands and kids disown me due to the mood swings. Extra Hormones + me equals moody...

I told Brandon I wasn't sure if I could keep doing it. Then a hard dose of reality set in for me. This couple was counting on me. How could I give up on their dream. Would I stop if it was the one trying for my own child. So the journey had been rough but I couldn't even imagine how it had been for my IPS. I decided, I had to continue. How selfish would it be to stop, just because the journey had gotten rough. 

Before the next transfer Brandon, Tab, Car and I fasted and prayed. Carston traveled with me for the 5th transfer. He said he was my good luck charm.  We did the transfer on Sept. 26th. The two week wait seemed even longer than any of the previous times. I got the call and I could tell right away it was good news. I was pregnant. I was over joyed and scared all in one. I called my IPS right away and told them the good news. Hearing there excitement was wonderful. 

I had to travel to the Philippines for work. While I was there I got super sick and ended up with a Kidney infections. I was less than six weeks pregnant alone and having to go to the doc in a third world country, this was a very scary experience for me. I was so scared that I would lose the baby. I got prescribed medicine that wasn't good for the baby, luckily I checked with my doctor in the US. I also had a friend in the Philippines that is a nurse and she told me I could go to the pharmacy and get the right medication. 

After returning to the states I started to spot the morning of my ultrasound. I thought not again. please don't let this happen again. I think the last time I prayed so hard was when Tayson was really sick as a baby.  We had my IPS on for the ultrasound and they saw and heard the heartbeat. They saw a separation in the sack lining and said that was probably the cause of the bleeding. Over the next 8 weeks the bleeding would come and go and I would end up in the doctors office. I have never had any issues while pregnant so even when they told me not to worry I worried. The doctors instructed me to take it easy and told me not to lift anything. That was difficult considering I had a two year old. My family and I knew I had to be careful. Every time I tried to be helpful I would end up bleeding so I would go to work and come home and lay in bed. I slept a lot and did very little for my family. Thank heavens for my husband, kids and parents. They really stepped up and made so I could take care of my body and the baby. 

We just had our IPS here. They went to the ultrasound and found out what they were having. I stopped wearing my jacket and scarves so people can now really see that I am pregnant. I have had so many questions so I decided to write this very lengthy blog post. I am happy to report the baby is doing great and is due in June!

Each Child Comes At The Right Time

Looking back its amazing to see how each child of ours has fit in at the right time and with the right personality.

Tabitha was our first and was the start of our family. She couldn't have come at a better time. She helped determine who and what we were going to be.

Carston was our second and was like our reminder of our hopes and dreams and why we wanted to be a family.

Tayson was our third and came at a time that we needed to be show miracles, mercy and faith.

Teigan was our fourth and he came and pulled us together to make our family complete. A reminder that things don't always come the way we expect them to.

Each one of these kids has there one personality there own image. They are all different yet together blend so perfectly. I am so blessed and thankful everyday that I get to be there mom. Out of all the things I have done in my life being their mom is by far the best.  How did I get so lucky to have God trust me to raise these 4 kids?

Foster Care

Brandon and I have always talked about doing Foster care or Proctor care since the time we got married. We looked into it a couple times but it never seemed to be the right time. Once I went part time we decided that now was a good time to do foster care. We talked to the kids about it and they were over the moon excited.

In Spring of 2011 we started taking foster care classes. I think everyone should take these classes before becoming a parent, they are great.  There is a lot involved in becoming a foster parent. You have to take courses, pass background checks, have your house inspected and meet certain requirements. Once all of these are complete and you pass you can get your license.

In Sept. 2011 we had a meeting with our case worker and we had been approved. We had our foster care license. Brandon and I joked of how long it would be before we got the call for kids needing placement. He guessed a week or so and I thought at least a month. We only requested to get younger kids due to the age of our kids and our previous experiences we wanted Tabitha and Carston to be the oldest in the house. This is why I thought it would take longer because there are more foster homes for younger children.

3 hrs after getting out license I get a phone call welcoming us to Foster care. I thought this was just something they did to all Foster parents , that was not the case. The lady continued by saying " I know you said you only wanted one placement at a time but if under certain circumstances you would consider taking more". She proceeded to say we have three children living in the Christmas box house in Ogden that we cannot find a placement for. We have called everyone we can and nobody can take three. If we don't find someone to take all three their time is up in the Christmas box house so we would have to separate them...

The next call I placed was to Brandon. I remember telling him that we both lost the bet and we already had a call. I mumbled when I told him they wanted us to take three. After he clarified that I said three he told me I was the one at home so it was up to me. I called the social worker back and asked more details. She told me we could go meet the boys that night.

That night we went and met all three boys ages 11 months, 2 and 4. We of course said we would take them home and they told us to think about it over night. I thought what is there to think about we want to take them, but they seemed adamant we think it over.

We went home and told the kids all that we knew about the boys and they were so excited. That night I couldn't sleep. I woke up crying and scared to death. What was I doing? We only had three kids and they were old enough for the majority of things to be self sufficient.  How could I bring 3 tiny kids into our home and double the number of kids we had. I talked to Brandon and he assured me he would stand behind me whatever I decided.

After a very long night and morning I had made a decision... I was not going to be able to take care of these boys. I couldn't go pick them up. I decided to tell our kids my decision. That didn't go over well at all. Tabitha & Carston started to cry. They begged and pleaded that I change my mind. They told me they would be split up and how could I do that to them. Tabitha promised she would change every diaper. They both agreed they would do whatever it took to have these boys come into our home. I explained in detail how hard it might be and of course it didn't matter what I said they were all in.

A few hrs later we were in the car with three car seats going to pick up our Foster boys.

Surrogacy take 2! Part one...

The summer of 2011 I went to India. I had always wanted to go and provide service in a foreign country. I had a dear friend who went to India and it seemed like the perfect trip for me. Brandon had some hesitation about me going until we listened to conference in April of 2011 and then we both just knew I was supposed to go.

I needed to go to India. It helped me find me. It helped me to learn who I wanted to be. This I think was a blessing for me and for my family.

While I was in India I started having thoughts about surrogacy again. I tried to push them out but they kept returning. I even argued a little with God saying something to the effect of we tried this is didn't work. I am not really meant to be a surrogate. This was just a path to lead our friends to there daughters Fay and Lilly.

I lost the debate and told Brandon I felt like this was something I needed to do. He was fine with that decision and I started the paperwork. The paperwork is very intensive. You give them your medical history your family's, your personal history and you have evaluations and test. Finally after months of that the matching process begins.

At the end of November we received a profile. The day we read through the profile of our intended parents I was excited, nervous and a little confused. How would I know they were right for us? Should I have a feeling that they are the one or should I know right away if they aren't the right couple. They seemed lovely and we couldn't see a reason not to help them but the deciding factor we felt was she had, had cancer and my mother had, had cancer. Why was this the deciding factor? We hadn't really completely looped our family in on this yet. I knew my mom would have the hardest time with this. I felt like my mom could relate to her situation and this would help ease the idea.

We showed my parents the profile and my kids and we agreed that this was the couple. My mom may have been a little reluctant. Carston's only stipulation was if he got to hold them so we made sure that was in the contract.

Transfer got schedule for March. I am not a patient person so that seemed like such a long time. It ended up being great because we sent weekly emails back and fourth and got to know each other better.

We went to Boston for transfer and I was very nervous to meet our IP's in person for the first time. We arrived at the clinic a little early and found out the location of the transfer was actually to take place somewhere else. We made a mad dash to the new location and showed up a little late, What a great first impression. We meet them and immediately went in for transfer.

We got to spend the next couple days with our IP's and we had brought Teigan and it was wonderful to see them interact with him. We joked over dinner while Nicolina was feeding him that they would have twins.

I had no doubt that the transfer would work so when the blood work confirmed I wasn't surprised just excited. Then we went in for the ultrasound at week 6 to confirm the heartbeat. Again we were not surprised but very excited to tell our IP's that there wasn't one heart beat but two.

When it came time for the gender ultrasound our IP's had planned a trip to Logan. We met in Logan they went to a couple of the kids soccer games and then we headed to Yellowstone. What a great time we had with them. What a connection not only did Brandon and I have but the kids had with them. Tasyon was Christians side kick and Tabitha was Nicolinas.

The ultrasound would reveal they were having one boy and one girl. The expressions on there faces were priceless. We couldn't have been happier for them. That is when we decided to announce to our friends that we had done surrogacy and were pregnant.

To be continued...

Questioning Almost Everything

Do you ever have those days/moments that you feel like no matter how hard you work, no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions are it just doesn't seem to matter? That about sums up the year of 2010 and the first part of 2011.

Since my nieces moved out we received nothing but negative from them, my sister and ex brother in law. It makes you question why we went through all we did in order to have things turn out that way. How were we the bad guys and their parents had hay-lows on. Had they forgotten all that had happened?  There were so many hateful things said I couldn't help but second guess if I had made a huge mistake by taking in the girls. Much later I would realize I hadn't but at the time I couldn't help but feel hurt betrayed and used.

While still having the emotion of everything that happened with my nieces draw out from the end of 2010 into 2011 I also hit another bump in the road.

I worked at a place called Feature Films for Families that by this point had broken off and also had a company called CallAssistant. I had worked for this company for 9 1/2 years. I started out as an agent and worked my way up from Agent Lead, Manager, Senior Manager to finally becoming Branch Manager. I though the 10+ hr days being on call from start of shift at 5:30 am to end of shift at 10:00pm had finally paid off. I was where I wanted to be and had worked so hard to be for years.  I had the potion I had wanted and worked so hard for, right?

Then it happened. Something I had seen happen over and over but this time to me. I was asked to train "the new guy". Not a big deal unless you work for the company I did. You don't train someone new to do what you do unless.... Well I pushed the thought out of my mind and did what I was told. Eventually I moved to the office down the road and started running it and Jason(the new Guy) ran the old office

One day the president of the company asked if he could meet with me. This seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary because I talked to him often. He started the meeting by thanking me for everything I had done. How thanked me for how hard I had worked on one of our biggest campaigns. He said he knew he had put me in a tough situation and I handled it well.... With that said he was going to be putting Jason in charge of everything and I could go back to being a Senior Manager of our biggest clients... I tried to fight back the tears. I asked what I did wrong and was told I did nothing wrong this was just always the plan. ALWAYS THE PLAN what does that mean? Who's plan? Since when was this plan created. Why could I not catch a break. Hadn't I been through enough the last year.

We shared some not so pleasant exchanges, professional but defiantly letting each other know how we felt.  I asked for some time off which was like pulling teeth. I sat through a meeting where they announced Jason would be taking over all campaigns and that I was on board with it. Right after the meeting I left.

I don't remember how much time I took of but I decided I was going to quit. The questions kept coming up... What had I done wrong? Why wasn't I given a real reason? Why did I ignore all the signs? Why had I invested so much time into this company. How did I let this job make me miss out on so much time with my family?

 We all have blessings in disguise. This by far may have been one of my biggest. I ended up not quitting because a friend of mine convinced me to stay and work part time.

I don't think I realized how much I had missed out on. How did I let this job take up so much of my time. How did my kids get so big. Its like all at once I was looking back at my life seeing how much time had past and standing there in disbelief. I had worked so hard to make sure my kids and my family had what I thought they needed that I had forgotten what they needed most, what I needed most. I lost time that I could never get back. I was determined to find out who I was and who I wanted to be. 

We would do it again.

For two years Brandon & I raised my two nieces. This was a very easy decision for us. One I don't think Brandon or I spent much time discussing. Our nieces needed a home and so we knew that we needed to step up an provide one for them.

At age 26 I had 3 kids of my own. Brandon and I were trying to figure our own life out. Where we ready to raise teenagers??? Absolutely not. Did we make mistakes??? Sure we did.There are many details I may go into during another blog post  but the emotion is still to raw.

Both girls didn't come stay with us at the same time. My younger niece came when her dad decided to move to draper to be closer to his girlfriend. My niece at the time was living with him in Tremonton. It was decided she would stay with us so she was still close to family and friends. My oldest niece and her mother decided she would come and stay with us due to some contention in there house. Both girls we would latter get custody of through the courts.

At the time we lived in a cheap little house in Millville. We were waiting to save enough money to build a new home. Our little house had 1 bathroom and 3 bedrooms. We immediately realized this was not going to work so we added on a Bedroom downstairs. We moved Cartson upstairs with Tabitha and Tayson crib was in the front room, although he just ended up staying in our room. Later we would end up buying a bigger house with more bathrooms...

Raising two teenagers wasn't easy. I don't think anyone would say it was easy regardless of the situation. Its tough to be a teenager so by rights its got to be tough raising them. We hadn't ever parented teenagers so at first we were kinda like puppets. We let their  parents tell us how to raise them. They would tell us what we should and shouldn't let them do. Finally we hit a breaking point. Why were we letting them try to tell us how to raise these girls when they weren't capable themselves of raising them that way. We knew how these girls were doing in school, in church, at home and socially we decided we should be the one deciding consequence for there actions, whether they should have a sleepover or go on a school outing. That is when things went terribly bad,

Once we weren't puppets we were the enemy. The girls hadn't seen there dad he wouldn't really come visit and this just made things worse. It made the tone of the calls to the girls worse and the tone of the calls to us worse.

We made a decision from the beginning to  treated these girls as are own. We felt we had to in order to give them the life & love they deserved. We didn't want to take the place of there parents but for the time we were acting as there parents so that's the role we felt we needed to take. We were still there aunt and uncle but we had to act like parents. We didn't get to be the fun guys anymore. We got robbed of that. We had to look out for them and there future at all costs. We helped them get there first cars, helped them pick out and buy some of there prom dresses and we grounded them. We had ups and downs. We made it work with very little support of any kind.

Unfortunately the court system who had put both of these girls in our care was a joke. They wouldn't keep to there word they certainly told us one thing and the parents another. They seemed to hold my sister on a finer line while letting there dad run free of any emotional or financial obligation to these girls. We were a free resource to them and we got used,abused and pushed around.

My oldest niece graduated high school and moved out a short time later and my younger niece moved back in with her mom at 17. Looking back I never could have imagined some of the ups and downs we faced.  I wouldn't have known my relationship with my sister would forever be changed and not in a good way. There were some high of highs while raising them and there was some low of lows, We got to experience first hand some of their accomplishment, achievements and milestones. We got to watch them grow and start to see who they were and who they wanted to be. Those are unforgettable moments. . We never really though about the impact this would have on our little family physically, emotionally, financially or mentally. This experience changed us. It changed my kids. They had there eyes opened up to the world before we were ready for them to.  Looking back.... There are a few things I would change but I wouldn't change taking them in. I wouldn't change how we treated them or our expectations of them. Through it all we love them and will always want whats best for them.

Two perfect little ones meant for someone else.

In January of 2011 we had the opportunity to have two beautiful little girls come stay with us. I had a friend who's girlfriend had battled depression and he had to take on the role of being mother, father and provider of these two girls age 3 months and 18 months. Without going into all the details the mother had mentioned adoption and this young man started to consider it. After a lengthy emotional conversation I asked him to reconsider keeping the girls because he had worked so hard to try and keep their family together. I told him if he needed help I could take the girls for awhile. 

I received a phone call a short time later and the girls came and stayed with us. We all feel in love with them right away. They were perfect, adorable and oh so sweet. After sometime the decision was made and these two little girls were going to be placed for adoption. I was asked if I would adopt them. Of course I would if that's what they wanted but  I had a request first. I asked them if they would meet the couple that we had done surrogacy for and see if they felt it was a good fit. 

They question now was do we call our friends and give them another possible false hope for completing their family? I was chicken so Brandon made the call. The couple told us they were still looking at other agency's but they wanted to know more about our friends. They created a profile and we passed it along and then they decided to meet for dinner.We all went to dinner together and heard the mom explain why she was considering giving up her babies. This will always be an unforgettable event for me. To get to witness both sides of this process was a unique and touching experience.

The decision  was in and they picked our friends to adopt their girls. What a bitter sweet day. On one hand I was watching a great guy make one of the hardest decisions of his life. On a the other a friends dreams were coming true. 

Who new that right in the middles of all that sadness and happiness we were witnessing we would also feel a void and loss that we didn't plan for. Our friends came to pick up the girl a little earlier than we had planned. We finished packing up their belongings and saying goodbye. We watched them leave and then we all broke down in tears. We (Brandon & I ) knew the girls weren't meant for us but telling our hearts that was another thing. Watching Tabitha during this was so hard. She wanted the girls to stay with us so badly

Just because you know something is the right thing doesn't mean its going to be easy or pain free..