Surrogacy Take 3!

Just a few moths after having the twins, I felt like I should do surrogacy again. I thought since I wasn't getting any younger, if I was going to do it again, I should do it quickly. I talked to Brandon and the kids and they were all on board.

The last surrogacy experience was truly amazing. We had to talk to the kids and explain that this time might not end the same as last time. Our previous couple is now apart of our extended family and we couldn't expect to have that kind of luck again.

We had most of the paperwork already done since our last surrogacy journey was so recent. This sped up the process and we got matched very quickly. In March of 2013 we were matched and had plans to do transfer in May. 

Once the match is made, the not so fun stuff starts. You start going to the doc weekly. You have ultrasounds before you are even pregnant to make sure your lining is thinning and thickening like its supposed to. Then they add in the blood draws and medication. There is usually a combination of the following medications:

Prenatal vitamins

Estrodial

Lupron(shot)

Progesterone & Olive Oil (shot)

Progesterone suppositories

Brandon & I traveled to Connecticut and had the transfer May 25th 2013. After transfer, you have to wait two weeks for the blood test. This is the LONGEST two weeks ever. I go in, in the mornings and get my blood work but don't get results till the early evening. When the phone call came I could tell by the tone of her voice it wasn't good news. I honestly wasn't prepared. I get pregnant and got pregnant so easy the last time. I felt so bad and wondered what I had done wrong.

At the end of June went to Sweden to go visit our 2nd IPS and the twins. During this trip we had the opportunity to spend some time with our current IPS. We had a great time and it helped me be even more excited for the next transfer.

During the 2nd transfer I suggested we use the same medications in the same doses we had when I got pregnant with the twins. This made me feel more confident since I new it had worked so well. August 16th I went for the 2nd transfer. My mom traveled with me this time.

Again was the Long two week wait. The results were in and I was pregnant. Of course I was... It didn't even phase me. I was over the moon excited to tell my IPS.

I started bleeding a few days before the six week ultrasound and was in pain. I went to the doctor and they said I had a urinary track infection. They told me not to worry. I went in for the ultrasound and couldn't wait to be reassured everything was okay. They couldn't hear the heartbeat but thought there was one. They wanted me to come back in a week for blood work. When I went in my levels were still high so they scheduled an ultrasound for a few days later. They couldn't find a heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing. I was devastated and confused. I had gotten my IPS hopes up and then let them down. I didn't know what to say or do for them.

After a couple weeks I went back to the doctor and they said I would need a D&C. I went to my OBGYN a few days later and she said all was fine and she didn't think I needed a D&C. A couple weeks later I went back to my surrogacy doc and he insisted I still needed a D&C.  Needless to say I ended up with a D&C in Oct.  I was terrified. I had never had a surgery, besides my less than pleasant C-Section and I had never been put under. 

January 17th 2014 I went for the 3rd transfer.. 

I knew this one had to work. I had only agreed to attempt three transfers. While waiting for the two weeks to pass, I didn't feel myself getting excited I was very nervous and started having doubts. Even though I thought I didn't get too excited, I felt devastated when the results came in that I wasn't pregnant. How could I tell them that I wasn't pregnant???

A few weeks had gone by and me and my IPS had sent a few messages checking on each other. Finally, I reached out to them and let them know I was willing to continue this Journey with them if they wanted me to, but if they didn't I completely understood. We decided that we all felt like we should continue this process together.

In July Tabitha and I traveled for the 4th transfer. I felt confident that things would work this time. By the time the two weeks had past I was nervous and didn't feel like I was pregnant. I was hoping and praying and felt like it had to work. The results were in and I wasn't pregnant. How could this be. I was very angry. I wondered why God was not letting this couple have a baby. They kept having disappointment after disappointment. I struggled with what I was doing wrong to make so these transfers weren't working. 

Only my parents and a couple close friends knew that I was doing this and I was at this point trying to hide it from them. I didn't want them asking me if I was pregnant. I was having a hard enough time dealing with it and wanted as few people to know as possible, 

This is the point I started to slightly understand the struggles and emotions people with infertility go through. This wasn't even my baby and I didn't know if I could stay on the roller coaster ride. Besides the emotions the medications were going to make my husbands and kids disown me due to the mood swings. Extra Hormones + me equals moody...

I told Brandon I wasn't sure if I could keep doing it. Then a hard dose of reality set in for me. This couple was counting on me. How could I give up on their dream. Would I stop if it was the one trying for my own child. So the journey had been rough but I couldn't even imagine how it had been for my IPS. I decided, I had to continue. How selfish would it be to stop, just because the journey had gotten rough. 

Before the next transfer Brandon, Tab, Car and I fasted and prayed. Carston traveled with me for the 5th transfer. He said he was my good luck charm.  We did the transfer on Sept. 26th. The two week wait seemed even longer than any of the previous times. I got the call and I could tell right away it was good news. I was pregnant. I was over joyed and scared all in one. I called my IPS right away and told them the good news. Hearing there excitement was wonderful. 

I had to travel to the Philippines for work. While I was there I got super sick and ended up with a Kidney infections. I was less than six weeks pregnant alone and having to go to the doc in a third world country, this was a very scary experience for me. I was so scared that I would lose the baby. I got prescribed medicine that wasn't good for the baby, luckily I checked with my doctor in the US. I also had a friend in the Philippines that is a nurse and she told me I could go to the pharmacy and get the right medication. 

After returning to the states I started to spot the morning of my ultrasound. I thought not again. please don't let this happen again. I think the last time I prayed so hard was when Tayson was really sick as a baby.  We had my IPS on for the ultrasound and they saw and heard the heartbeat. They saw a separation in the sack lining and said that was probably the cause of the bleeding. Over the next 8 weeks the bleeding would come and go and I would end up in the doctors office. I have never had any issues while pregnant so even when they told me not to worry I worried. The doctors instructed me to take it easy and told me not to lift anything. That was difficult considering I had a two year old. My family and I knew I had to be careful. Every time I tried to be helpful I would end up bleeding so I would go to work and come home and lay in bed. I slept a lot and did very little for my family. Thank heavens for my husband, kids and parents. They really stepped up and made so I could take care of my body and the baby. 

We just had our IPS here. They went to the ultrasound and found out what they were having. I stopped wearing my jacket and scarves so people can now really see that I am pregnant. I have had so many questions so I decided to write this very lengthy blog post. I am happy to report the baby is doing great and is due in June!

Each Child Comes At The Right Time

Looking back its amazing to see how each child of ours has fit in at the right time and with the right personality.

Tabitha was our first and was the start of our family. She couldn't have come at a better time. She helped determine who and what we were going to be.

Carston was our second and was like our reminder of our hopes and dreams and why we wanted to be a family.

Tayson was our third and came at a time that we needed to be show miracles, mercy and faith.

Teigan was our fourth and he came and pulled us together to make our family complete. A reminder that things don't always come the way we expect them to.

Each one of these kids has there one personality there own image. They are all different yet together blend so perfectly. I am so blessed and thankful everyday that I get to be there mom. Out of all the things I have done in my life being their mom is by far the best.  How did I get so lucky to have God trust me to raise these 4 kids?

Foster Care

Brandon and I have always talked about doing Foster care or Proctor care since the time we got married. We looked into it a couple times but it never seemed to be the right time. Once I went part time we decided that now was a good time to do foster care. We talked to the kids about it and they were over the moon excited.

In Spring of 2011 we started taking foster care classes. I think everyone should take these classes before becoming a parent, they are great.  There is a lot involved in becoming a foster parent. You have to take courses, pass background checks, have your house inspected and meet certain requirements. Once all of these are complete and you pass you can get your license.

In Sept. 2011 we had a meeting with our case worker and we had been approved. We had our foster care license. Brandon and I joked of how long it would be before we got the call for kids needing placement. He guessed a week or so and I thought at least a month. We only requested to get younger kids due to the age of our kids and our previous experiences we wanted Tabitha and Carston to be the oldest in the house. This is why I thought it would take longer because there are more foster homes for younger children.

3 hrs after getting out license I get a phone call welcoming us to Foster care. I thought this was just something they did to all Foster parents , that was not the case. The lady continued by saying " I know you said you only wanted one placement at a time but if under certain circumstances you would consider taking more". She proceeded to say we have three children living in the Christmas box house in Ogden that we cannot find a placement for. We have called everyone we can and nobody can take three. If we don't find someone to take all three their time is up in the Christmas box house so we would have to separate them...

The next call I placed was to Brandon. I remember telling him that we both lost the bet and we already had a call. I mumbled when I told him they wanted us to take three. After he clarified that I said three he told me I was the one at home so it was up to me. I called the social worker back and asked more details. She told me we could go meet the boys that night.

That night we went and met all three boys ages 11 months, 2 and 4. We of course said we would take them home and they told us to think about it over night. I thought what is there to think about we want to take them, but they seemed adamant we think it over.

We went home and told the kids all that we knew about the boys and they were so excited. That night I couldn't sleep. I woke up crying and scared to death. What was I doing? We only had three kids and they were old enough for the majority of things to be self sufficient.  How could I bring 3 tiny kids into our home and double the number of kids we had. I talked to Brandon and he assured me he would stand behind me whatever I decided.

After a very long night and morning I had made a decision... I was not going to be able to take care of these boys. I couldn't go pick them up. I decided to tell our kids my decision. That didn't go over well at all. Tabitha & Carston started to cry. They begged and pleaded that I change my mind. They told me they would be split up and how could I do that to them. Tabitha promised she would change every diaper. They both agreed they would do whatever it took to have these boys come into our home. I explained in detail how hard it might be and of course it didn't matter what I said they were all in.

A few hrs later we were in the car with three car seats going to pick up our Foster boys.

Surrogacy take 2! Part one...

The summer of 2011 I went to India. I had always wanted to go and provide service in a foreign country. I had a dear friend who went to India and it seemed like the perfect trip for me. Brandon had some hesitation about me going until we listened to conference in April of 2011 and then we both just knew I was supposed to go.

I needed to go to India. It helped me find me. It helped me to learn who I wanted to be. This I think was a blessing for me and for my family.

While I was in India I started having thoughts about surrogacy again. I tried to push them out but they kept returning. I even argued a little with God saying something to the effect of we tried this is didn't work. I am not really meant to be a surrogate. This was just a path to lead our friends to there daughters Fay and Lilly.

I lost the debate and told Brandon I felt like this was something I needed to do. He was fine with that decision and I started the paperwork. The paperwork is very intensive. You give them your medical history your family's, your personal history and you have evaluations and test. Finally after months of that the matching process begins.

At the end of November we received a profile. The day we read through the profile of our intended parents I was excited, nervous and a little confused. How would I know they were right for us? Should I have a feeling that they are the one or should I know right away if they aren't the right couple. They seemed lovely and we couldn't see a reason not to help them but the deciding factor we felt was she had, had cancer and my mother had, had cancer. Why was this the deciding factor? We hadn't really completely looped our family in on this yet. I knew my mom would have the hardest time with this. I felt like my mom could relate to her situation and this would help ease the idea.

We showed my parents the profile and my kids and we agreed that this was the couple. My mom may have been a little reluctant. Carston's only stipulation was if he got to hold them so we made sure that was in the contract.

Transfer got schedule for March. I am not a patient person so that seemed like such a long time. It ended up being great because we sent weekly emails back and fourth and got to know each other better.

We went to Boston for transfer and I was very nervous to meet our IP's in person for the first time. We arrived at the clinic a little early and found out the location of the transfer was actually to take place somewhere else. We made a mad dash to the new location and showed up a little late, What a great first impression. We meet them and immediately went in for transfer.

We got to spend the next couple days with our IP's and we had brought Teigan and it was wonderful to see them interact with him. We joked over dinner while Nicolina was feeding him that they would have twins.

I had no doubt that the transfer would work so when the blood work confirmed I wasn't surprised just excited. Then we went in for the ultrasound at week 6 to confirm the heartbeat. Again we were not surprised but very excited to tell our IP's that there wasn't one heart beat but two.

When it came time for the gender ultrasound our IP's had planned a trip to Logan. We met in Logan they went to a couple of the kids soccer games and then we headed to Yellowstone. What a great time we had with them. What a connection not only did Brandon and I have but the kids had with them. Tasyon was Christians side kick and Tabitha was Nicolinas.

The ultrasound would reveal they were having one boy and one girl. The expressions on there faces were priceless. We couldn't have been happier for them. That is when we decided to announce to our friends that we had done surrogacy and were pregnant.

To be continued...

Questioning Almost Everything

Do you ever have those days/moments that you feel like no matter how hard you work, no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions are it just doesn't seem to matter? That about sums up the year of 2010 and the first part of 2011.

Since my nieces moved out we received nothing but negative from them, my sister and ex brother in law. It makes you question why we went through all we did in order to have things turn out that way. How were we the bad guys and their parents had hay-lows on. Had they forgotten all that had happened?  There were so many hateful things said I couldn't help but second guess if I had made a huge mistake by taking in the girls. Much later I would realize I hadn't but at the time I couldn't help but feel hurt betrayed and used.

While still having the emotion of everything that happened with my nieces draw out from the end of 2010 into 2011 I also hit another bump in the road.

I worked at a place called Feature Films for Families that by this point had broken off and also had a company called CallAssistant. I had worked for this company for 9 1/2 years. I started out as an agent and worked my way up from Agent Lead, Manager, Senior Manager to finally becoming Branch Manager. I though the 10+ hr days being on call from start of shift at 5:30 am to end of shift at 10:00pm had finally paid off. I was where I wanted to be and had worked so hard to be for years.  I had the potion I had wanted and worked so hard for, right?

Then it happened. Something I had seen happen over and over but this time to me. I was asked to train "the new guy". Not a big deal unless you work for the company I did. You don't train someone new to do what you do unless.... Well I pushed the thought out of my mind and did what I was told. Eventually I moved to the office down the road and started running it and Jason(the new Guy) ran the old office

One day the president of the company asked if he could meet with me. This seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary because I talked to him often. He started the meeting by thanking me for everything I had done. How thanked me for how hard I had worked on one of our biggest campaigns. He said he knew he had put me in a tough situation and I handled it well.... With that said he was going to be putting Jason in charge of everything and I could go back to being a Senior Manager of our biggest clients... I tried to fight back the tears. I asked what I did wrong and was told I did nothing wrong this was just always the plan. ALWAYS THE PLAN what does that mean? Who's plan? Since when was this plan created. Why could I not catch a break. Hadn't I been through enough the last year.

We shared some not so pleasant exchanges, professional but defiantly letting each other know how we felt.  I asked for some time off which was like pulling teeth. I sat through a meeting where they announced Jason would be taking over all campaigns and that I was on board with it. Right after the meeting I left.

I don't remember how much time I took of but I decided I was going to quit. The questions kept coming up... What had I done wrong? Why wasn't I given a real reason? Why did I ignore all the signs? Why had I invested so much time into this company. How did I let this job make me miss out on so much time with my family?

 We all have blessings in disguise. This by far may have been one of my biggest. I ended up not quitting because a friend of mine convinced me to stay and work part time.

I don't think I realized how much I had missed out on. How did I let this job take up so much of my time. How did my kids get so big. Its like all at once I was looking back at my life seeing how much time had past and standing there in disbelief. I had worked so hard to make sure my kids and my family had what I thought they needed that I had forgotten what they needed most, what I needed most. I lost time that I could never get back. I was determined to find out who I was and who I wanted to be. 

We would do it again.

For two years Brandon & I raised my two nieces. This was a very easy decision for us. One I don't think Brandon or I spent much time discussing. Our nieces needed a home and so we knew that we needed to step up an provide one for them.

At age 26 I had 3 kids of my own. Brandon and I were trying to figure our own life out. Where we ready to raise teenagers??? Absolutely not. Did we make mistakes??? Sure we did.There are many details I may go into during another blog post  but the emotion is still to raw.

Both girls didn't come stay with us at the same time. My younger niece came when her dad decided to move to draper to be closer to his girlfriend. My niece at the time was living with him in Tremonton. It was decided she would stay with us so she was still close to family and friends. My oldest niece and her mother decided she would come and stay with us due to some contention in there house. Both girls we would latter get custody of through the courts.

At the time we lived in a cheap little house in Millville. We were waiting to save enough money to build a new home. Our little house had 1 bathroom and 3 bedrooms. We immediately realized this was not going to work so we added on a Bedroom downstairs. We moved Cartson upstairs with Tabitha and Tayson crib was in the front room, although he just ended up staying in our room. Later we would end up buying a bigger house with more bathrooms...

Raising two teenagers wasn't easy. I don't think anyone would say it was easy regardless of the situation. Its tough to be a teenager so by rights its got to be tough raising them. We hadn't ever parented teenagers so at first we were kinda like puppets. We let their  parents tell us how to raise them. They would tell us what we should and shouldn't let them do. Finally we hit a breaking point. Why were we letting them try to tell us how to raise these girls when they weren't capable themselves of raising them that way. We knew how these girls were doing in school, in church, at home and socially we decided we should be the one deciding consequence for there actions, whether they should have a sleepover or go on a school outing. That is when things went terribly bad,

Once we weren't puppets we were the enemy. The girls hadn't seen there dad he wouldn't really come visit and this just made things worse. It made the tone of the calls to the girls worse and the tone of the calls to us worse.

We made a decision from the beginning to  treated these girls as are own. We felt we had to in order to give them the life & love they deserved. We didn't want to take the place of there parents but for the time we were acting as there parents so that's the role we felt we needed to take. We were still there aunt and uncle but we had to act like parents. We didn't get to be the fun guys anymore. We got robbed of that. We had to look out for them and there future at all costs. We helped them get there first cars, helped them pick out and buy some of there prom dresses and we grounded them. We had ups and downs. We made it work with very little support of any kind.

Unfortunately the court system who had put both of these girls in our care was a joke. They wouldn't keep to there word they certainly told us one thing and the parents another. They seemed to hold my sister on a finer line while letting there dad run free of any emotional or financial obligation to these girls. We were a free resource to them and we got used,abused and pushed around.

My oldest niece graduated high school and moved out a short time later and my younger niece moved back in with her mom at 17. Looking back I never could have imagined some of the ups and downs we faced.  I wouldn't have known my relationship with my sister would forever be changed and not in a good way. There were some high of highs while raising them and there was some low of lows, We got to experience first hand some of their accomplishment, achievements and milestones. We got to watch them grow and start to see who they were and who they wanted to be. Those are unforgettable moments. . We never really though about the impact this would have on our little family physically, emotionally, financially or mentally. This experience changed us. It changed my kids. They had there eyes opened up to the world before we were ready for them to.  Looking back.... There are a few things I would change but I wouldn't change taking them in. I wouldn't change how we treated them or our expectations of them. Through it all we love them and will always want whats best for them.

Two perfect little ones meant for someone else.

In January of 2011 we had the opportunity to have two beautiful little girls come stay with us. I had a friend who's girlfriend had battled depression and he had to take on the role of being mother, father and provider of these two girls age 3 months and 18 months. Without going into all the details the mother had mentioned adoption and this young man started to consider it. After a lengthy emotional conversation I asked him to reconsider keeping the girls because he had worked so hard to try and keep their family together. I told him if he needed help I could take the girls for awhile. 

I received a phone call a short time later and the girls came and stayed with us. We all feel in love with them right away. They were perfect, adorable and oh so sweet. After sometime the decision was made and these two little girls were going to be placed for adoption. I was asked if I would adopt them. Of course I would if that's what they wanted but  I had a request first. I asked them if they would meet the couple that we had done surrogacy for and see if they felt it was a good fit. 

They question now was do we call our friends and give them another possible false hope for completing their family? I was chicken so Brandon made the call. The couple told us they were still looking at other agency's but they wanted to know more about our friends. They created a profile and we passed it along and then they decided to meet for dinner.We all went to dinner together and heard the mom explain why she was considering giving up her babies. This will always be an unforgettable event for me. To get to witness both sides of this process was a unique and touching experience.

The decision  was in and they picked our friends to adopt their girls. What a bitter sweet day. On one hand I was watching a great guy make one of the hardest decisions of his life. On a the other a friends dreams were coming true. 

Who new that right in the middles of all that sadness and happiness we were witnessing we would also feel a void and loss that we didn't plan for. Our friends came to pick up the girl a little earlier than we had planned. We finished packing up their belongings and saying goodbye. We watched them leave and then we all broke down in tears. We (Brandon & I ) knew the girls weren't meant for us but telling our hearts that was another thing. Watching Tabitha during this was so hard. She wanted the girls to stay with us so badly

Just because you know something is the right thing doesn't mean its going to be easy or pain free.. 

What is Surrogacy? Our first Journey.

Surrogacy what a Crazy idea. What weird people become surrogates? What is surrogacy? Doesn't that only happen in the movies? Just a few of the thoughts that came to my mind one morning after I had a dream about surrogacy. Before that night the only reference I had to surrogacy was the show Baby Mama.

My dream wasn't of me being a surrogate or having any sort of revelation per say that I should be a surrogate more of a thought/idea that got planted. For the next few days I found myself thinking about the word surrogacy wondering what it was. After a few days I decided to take to the internet and do a Google search on surrogates. A couple weeks went by and I would do a little more research. Finally after about 3 weeks I told my husband I wanted to be a surrogate. His response was something to the affect of okay sounds good. A few days later I found an agency that I wanted to work with. I told Brandon and I think at that moment things got real for him. He then wanted to do some research and had a lot more questions...

I started filling out the necessary paperwork to become a surrogate. In the meantime, my husband mentioned to a dear friend of ours that we had made this decision. That friend asked if we would be their surrogate. This was a pretty easy decision for Brandon and I. This couple was truly amazing and we wanted to help them have more kids.

I had know doubt in my mind that this would work. I started all the medications. There was more medications involved than I originally anticipated. Transfer time came and we were left with the feeling that the transfer was most likely not going to be a success due to the quality and number of embryos. We did the transfer in Dec. 2010. I still had know doubt that the transfer would work. I couldn't wait for the blood test results so I cheated. I went and bought an at home pregnancy test. It tested positive. Filled with excitement Brandon and I discussed telling our friends the results. We decided against it and waited for the blood work.

 The results where in... The levels were to low. They were almost certain it didn't work. I cried hysterically. There was no way it didn't work. With all three of our children we decided to get pregnant and did with in one to two months each time. I took to the internet which said that the levels I had could still mean I was pregnant. I was again reconfirmed that I was pregnant. That just wasn't the case. The second blood test came back negative.

I felt so bad. How could I take their dreams away. What did I do wrong?  These thoughts repeated over and over for weeks. How my heart ached for this family.  I was left with the question. Should we not have tried?

Becoming a Blogger

I decided to start blogging. This is something I am not very good at. I have read a few blogs and they always seem to be so articulate. Don't expect that when reading this one.  I don't keep a journal (I know I should). I am not doing this to have people follow my post, if you want to great if not no big deal. I am doing this because the truth is one day I may not be here. Hopefully that's not for a very very long time but I want some place that my kids can go to look back on my life, our life, my thoughts & my dreams. This is something I wish my dad would have had.

I have a few posts that will be back dated and then hopefully I will add something new each month.

Kiddos,

I want you to know you can be anything you want to be. Its never to late to change who you are or who you want to be. Its never to late to learn, whether that be from going to school, research, experiences, friends or mistakes.Its okay to ask questions or to learn from someone else. Don't hesitate to be a leader. Sometimes your faith may waver done forget you can borrow and lean on other peoples faith to help pull you through.

Always know your mom and dad love you more than you can imagine. We are your biggest fans. We are proud of you. I know its hard now but learn to be your brothers and sister's best friend. They will always be there for you. You'll have many people that go in and out of your life but your family will always be here for you no matter what.

Love,
Mom

Thursday Already

Stayed up to late once again but what can I say I am making memorize to last a lifetime. I was excited to go to education today.  Because of my last experience with education I have found a more intense love and appreciation for the tutoring.

Today seemed to go extra well in tutoring. The kids seemed to be reading so much better and the math seemed to go better for the kids and me as well. All the kids seemed to be a little more focused and maybe even trying a little harder. I have also found a way to motivate the kids. Each child is motivated by different things but I think I've got them figured out. Of course I would on the last day I get to tutor them, right?

Each moment today has seemed to be extra special and emotional. We had a water fight with the kids. It started out with water balloons and ended with buckets of water and even some sand... What a blast. I think everyone had a great time and it was a marvelous way to get our attention off of us leaving.

 

Dinner time was especially emotional. I see everyone getting sad and I cant fix it.  I know its just going to get worse tomorrow. We are enjoying every moment we have, but anytime you aren't working or playing you have time to think, which brings the gloom.

Amy taught me how to make memory boxes out of Popsicle sticks so that's what we did for talent class. Its amazing how quickly all those hands can move when they see something they want. It took us a second to get the kids calm enough to show and explain what we were doing. Once we showed them they all went crazy building them. They soon realized they needed help. All I heard for twenty minutes was, "Auntie, Auntie, it's my turn, help me". I was trying to help as fast as I could because each child made me feel like it was urgent I get theirs done immediately. Kala even made one which always makes me smile when she participates.

                                    

For some reason Kala didn't seem as worried about the kids getting to bed on time or us leaving on time which was really nice. Our activity took a long time so even though we should've come back to the hostel we stayed a little longer. I just had to read the kids a couple stories before I left.. I cant believe this was the last time, for this trip, that I would get to lay with them and put them to bed...

Well it is storming outside and we once again stood out and played in the rain. Everyone else is outside still watching the lightning and thunder storm. I watched it from the window while I updated my blog but now I am going to go join the others outside!

Medical 3 days left

We left at 8:30 a.m. to go to the hospital in Chennai. Once every week the medical team takes people from the colony's to the hospital to get the medical care they need. They also take any of the kids from Rising Star that need to go to the doctor.

Today Steven needed to go to the doctor so he got to ride with us which I thought was awesome. When we got to the hospital we each got paired up with a patient and assigned where to take them. The reason we go with these patients is because of the stigma Leprosy still has. We want people to see us with these people and let them see there is nothing to be scared of. We also want to make sure the patients get the care they need and in a timely manner.

I got paired with a guy that luckily for me knew exactly where he needed to go. He was being seen for his vision problems. He spoke only a couple words of English but he made me feel like he was taking care of me instead of the other way around. When he would get up someone would take his seat so I would stand so he could sit and he would always make people move over so there was room for me. The looks people gave made me wonder what they were thinking.

Watching the process of how patients get seen was a joke. You don't get your name on a waiting list you have a chart you bring with you which I guess has your medical history on it. You get in a line(line being used loosely in this case) and hand the nurse your chart. People cut in front of you to hand in there chart almost constantly. Then depending on who asks to be seen the most that seems to be how they choose which person goes next. The man I was with (I don't know how to spell his name or I would refer to him by his name) made sure he was asking about being seen.

During our time there he was seen 5 different times sometimes by the same person sometimes by a new person. The 2nd to last person he waited to see was the actual doctor and apparently she had stepped away for awhile so we had to just wait for her to return. The hospital/doctors offices where nothing like you would think an establishment like that would look.  In the part of the hospital we were in the walls and floors seemed really dirty. I think sitting on the floor would have been more comfortable than the benches they had. They only had fans to keep the area I was in cool. The light seemed to be very dim. The room they took you in for exam had a doorway but no door. The patient was easily seen by all. Doctors, nurses and other patients would walk in the room and talk while the patient was being seen. Most of the nurses and doctors looked to be between 16-21. I asked one of the girls her age and she said 19...

I took a few pictures so I could use those to  try and explain what I saw. The pictures don't do justice to the actual atmosphere but here they are anyway.

                                                          I love the outfits they wear and the hats!

We only played for a short time today because they celebrated all the August birthdays today. They had a party. The kids with birthdays stood by the cake while everyone else sang happy birthday.

                                                                  Sagayamarry

                                 Of course what party would be complete without a cake fight!

Family time was again split between between Kala's house and going to see Steven. Danny was telling a story to our boys so they were all piled up on top of each other.

 

After the story the boys were sprawled out all over. It was rainy and a little colder than normal so the boys got there blankets out.

                                          Looking at there precious faces how can my heart not ache when I leave here...

Kim, Amy, Carl and I went up on the roof and talked for a while. It was nice and peaceful. I saw a firefly for the first time and I was amazed by it.

We probably stayed up to late but with our time here coming to a close its hard not to try to squeeze every second out of the time we have left here.

Medical only 4 Days left

I didn't want to wake up today for some reason I was super tired but I wanted to be able to catch my blog up. After talking to my beautiful kids and mother I was ready to start the day. When I got to morning conclave instead of going to construction which again was the plan we were all going to medical. We are going to the Colony that I went to my first day on medical which will be great to go back and see them.

The colony was super. Amy, Annie and I went around with a translator and got some of the colony members stories. I noticed one of  the ladies I blogged about my first time there was missing. I asked where she was and they told me she was still in her home because the construction they were doing was in the way of the path the wheel chair would take to get her to where we were. The translator offered to take us to her house and we excepted.

When we arrived she was sleeping but she woke up quickly and just like before she had a lot of stories to tell us. She is 75 the oldest one in the colony and one of the first members. She

She cries a lot one because she is in pain often and two because when she sees the volunteers it makes her so happy.

Tender Mercies/Steven

Today I was supposed to go to construction but it didn't turn out that way. Kim was sick and wasn't able to go out so our group split and some went to medical and some went to education. I really wanted to go to medical but Derek asked for volunteers for education nobody was volunteering so I found myself raising my hand.

Right before I left for education I found out a family that I am really close to was moving away and I was so upset. I felt bad for being upset because of all I had seen the people of India having to give up and worrying about my friends moving away seemed kinda silly. Even with these mixed emotions my

friendship and love for this family took over and I was upset. I walked over to education feeling sick and sad.

When the first group of kids came in I tried to put a smile on and get to work. At break time I was still feeling ill but I went out to play. I saw the boys from my house and they ran up and told me they missed me and asked how Delhi was. I broke down into tears because I had missed them so much. Steven came up to me but wouldn't talk to me. I just put my arms around him told him I loved him and it was okay if he didn't want to talk to me. I was still crying I guess because some of the older girls that I don't know very well asked Auntie why are you crying. At this point I wasn't exactly sure so I said I didn't

know. They asked again no why are you crying I said it was because I was sad to leave.

 I was over joyed with tears walking back into education. I felt so lucky that I got to be there and helping those kids. If I wasn't there then one less kid every class hour would not get the help they needed. How lucky and blessed was I to be there. We didn't get to tutor math because they were testing. Someone donated enough money for all the kids to get new shoes so we went and measured all the kids feet

instead..

                                      

When it was Stevens classes turn he put a sticky note on my shirt that said "I am sorry I wouldn't talk to you". Then he put another saying "I love you". God has shown me so much while I have been here and this single act was one of the best so far.

The kids are getting ready for independence day so before playtime we watched them do there march.

 

The day just continued to get better. At play time Steven invited me to play tennis with him. We played in the rain which was fun and beautiful. It started to rain hard so we went in and played connect four. Then I went out and played soccer.

At family time Steven had asked me to come to his family time. Because of some misbehavior Steven was no longer in Kalas family. I was torn knowing I only had a few more days with my family. I wasn't sure if I should leave them and go with Steven or stay and read my boys stories. I arrived at our room and decided I was going to read my boys a story first and then I would go see Steven. When I sat on the

floor Steven immediately came in and said your late, Late for what I replied you are the guest of honor everyone is waiting... I was confused. I asked Carl to read our boys a story while I went with Steven. When I arrived in the room his mother said you must be Ashley... I said yes

and she smiled. Steven had gathered 10 or so of the boys in his room and had prepared a talent show. There where boys that told stories in Tamil and sang songs of Jesus in Tamil, stories in English, songs in English , dancing. Then Steven sang three songs he wrote. He was so happy and I was so happy watching him. He then pulled out a little piano that you had to blow into to get it to play. He tried to teach me it was very cute.

I went back down to tell my boys goodnight but the little ones where all asleep wait to go Carl. I think only one time before had we gotten them all to sleep before it was time for us to leave. Kala and Danny invited Carl and I in her room and we talked and ate a mango. I talked to Danny

and Kala about our trip and about Danny leaving for his mission. I so wish I could be here when he leaves next week so Kala could have someone

there for her.

As we were leaving Steven came and stuck a few more notes on my shirt telling me to have sweet dreams.

My heart breaks that this is another day coming to an end... But what a wonderful day it was.

Dehli Day 3

Today we got up and got ready to travel back to Chennai. This was bitter sweet because the sight seeing had been so much fun but I was excited to get back to see the kiddos.

We started our bus ride back and I just stared out the window trying to fight back tears from the realization this was my last week in India. While deep in thought I realized the bus was stopped and had been for 5 or so minutes. Traffic was moving around us so I know there must be a problem. Sure enough the bus was broke. Normally in this situation my husband or step dad would come save the day. This was not the case so there we all sat wondering what was wrong.

One of the girls had to pee really bad so I got of the bus with her in search for a bathroom. I wasn't nervous at all looking back maybe I should have been. We found someone who understood that we were looking for a bathroom and they pointed us in the right direction. I didn't go in but the girl explained the bathroom was super nasty.

After going back to the bus we noticed it was surrounded by people begging for money, selling corn and just showing off tryingto get our attention. There was a lady asking me for money for food. She tugged on my pants and said something about me being from America. I felt if I gave her money more people would show up. I didn't know how long we would be there so I decided that was a bad idea.

On the bus it was very hot. Our windows didn't open and there was no a/c. The lady begging for money was persistent in pounding on the bus trying to get money. We had some of the guys fighting in the road showing there muscles trying to get us to like them. Hand gestures are universal and they made a few disgusting ones. 

I finally asked again what was wrong with the bus, they said a gas line had broke. A guy came to the bus and started fixing it right there. It was getting really hot by this point and we had already made another trip to the bathroom. I tried to stay positive during this time and reflect. Here are some of my thoughts.

1. If I was hungry or had kids that were hungry I would pound on the bus just as hard if not harder than the lady was so I wasn't bothered by the noise.

2. I am lucky that when my car brakes someone comes and gets me and takes me home.

3. I am lucky that when my car brakes my husband fixes it and I don't have to worry.

4. I am lucky that when its hot I can turn on the a/c. most of these people don't have that convenience in there lives at home or in there mode of transportation.

After a little over 2 hours we were on the road again. We arrived at a place that had animals you could ride. This was exciting especially for Amy when we woke up the first thing she said was " we get to ride and elephant today"...  I was pretty psyched to see and ride on the animals as well.

We didn't have time to make anymore stops because of the bus breaking down see we just drove straight to the airport. On the flight home we where watching the sunset which lite up the sky like it was on fire. It then started lightning which made the scenery even more stunning.

The bus ride home was also a treat. Derek and I chatted about India and how amazing it is. His love for these kids just is so remarkable. I don't think there is anything hes not willing to do to try and help them. We looked up and there where fire works going off outside. They were celebrating some of the gods and I guess fireworks are one of the things they use to celebrate. Each moment on this trip taught me something and each moment made the trip more memorable.

                                            This picture doesn't do the sunset justice but...